The Bumpy Journey to Marriage…

3 Nov

So I have to say, I’ve been on the mission to find Mr. Right since I was 18.  Ten years later, I’m still single!  Shocked?  Well, one shouldn’t be.  Now a days, it seems as though there are a group of women who have been open to the notion of marriage for a very long time, yet have not settle down.  Well, after saying this much, “you” might be thinking, something must be wrong with me (and the group of other fellow beautiful “older”  single girls).  Personally, I would partially agree to those who think something might be missing in “me”.  On the flip side, I along with many other single women have considered many, yet have seen red flags left and right.

As modern-day women, we find ourselves earning a living, making a difference in our community, being proactive individuals.  However, we still hold on to some age-old traditional values.  Call it human nature, genetics, a mind-set or culture, or being a woman, but we still hold on to some very basic traditional values.  When looking for a man, a woman seeks someone who can play the role of a MAN.  Duh, right?  Well, to our surprise, when considering men, my girl friends and I have come across the same guys with the same red-flag insecurities:

1.  Looks like a grown man, has facial hair, hair on his arms, accomplished career, yet still doesn’t know how to explain his intentions.

2.  In his late 20s/30s, yet will wait for you to make plans, call the shots, hold the door open, catch the bill.

3. In his 30s, and still enjoys going to the clubs.  If you want to talk spirituality, morals and values, the guy looks at you as if you have two heads.

4.  Mr. Eager, very eager…. In fact a little too eager to the point where he can go on and on about himself, and as you sit back,  “you” can’t help but wonder, if you switched seats with a male wrestling star, would he notice?

5. The guy who loves to shop… A little too much.

6.  The guy who will say he wants to settle down with you, but does not ask any questions or makes very little initiative to prove that he can be the father to her children.

7.  The guy who seems great and is initially pro-active, but secretly makes you and your family do all the foot work (physically and emotionally) just so he can finally realize that maybe he was wrong.  This is an example of a good guy who makes poor decisions.

I may sound bitter…  But I’m honestly concerned.  After assessing all of our issues, it is no wonder that:

There are 104 million unmarried Americans over age 18, representing over 45% of the adult population. – U.S. Census Bureau.

Now, I’m not saying that men are bad and there’s no hope.  If anything, I believe most men have soooo much potential.  It’s lovely to see the number of proactive males who desire to put their life together. It’s lovely to see young men going to food drives, praying, attending humanitarian events.  This is proof that we have great men in our community.  However, I feel as though some of these men need better guidance in understanding what it takes to find a woman and maintain a happy, trusting relationship & marriage.

In regards to women, many including myself have much to work on…Building a relationship is never a one way street.  When considering a man, if we set expectations on a man, we ourselves should set good expectations on ourselves.  If we expect a man to be  good moraled, be a good potential father, stable and in order, alert, attentive, hard-working; then we should be able to expect the same from ourselves.

I’m hoping that one day my fellow single friends and I are able to find the right people to settle with…. In the mean time I am sharing a list I had put together, I’m hoping it might inspire some self-improvement, and motivation, so maybeeee  by the time I get married, my husband I will have a good understanding, happy and sound relationship, inshAllah.

  1. Be a positive role model. The best way to inspire a good family, marriage, friendship, is to be the person you’d hope others could be.
  2. Be an expert in conflict resolution.  Life is filled with challenges; but if you know how to deal with them, “you” could actually begin to enjoy them… Sounds sick, I know… But I believe that it’s true.  Often, it is the problems that bring people together, but also help them understand each other better… When there’s an understanding, the solutions will be available, and so will a better understanding of life.
  3. A work in process: living on my own or with a roommate (such as my awesome sisters) for at least a year….
  4. Get all my finances straight.
  5. Recover from a bruised heart. Weer weer! 😛
  6. Invest in  projects that I would hope to accomplish in life… This way when someone enters in to my life, he somewhat knows what to expect in our journey together.
  7. Take a couple of trips with my girl friends.
  8. Look my finest.
  9. Do research on marriage and family planning.
  10. Pay off as much credit card debt and student loans as possible.
  11. Know what I’m looking for in life … and will my husband help me achieve some of those goals?
  12. Make sure my family understands who I am, my goals and respect it. (this is actually a check :D)
  13. Make sure my hobbies will keep me happy regardless.
  14. Make time for family and friends.

I’ve learnt this much in life, nothing is ever guaranteed.  However, if “you” keep “yourself” full of life  and have positive goals, happiness should follow, inshAllah.

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